Today was one of those days that made me realize again that I have no clue where I want to go from here. I’ve gone through all the pros and cons of considering adoption. I’m stuck between needing to choose a direction and give it my full attention and energy, but I’m stuck between which one to pursue. My obstetrician has given me a list of over the counter meds as well as a few prescriptions to take and has told me that it will increase my chances of being able to carry a pregnancy without problems, but that of course there are no guarantees. Another doctor I see (an OMT specialist – she is a professor at my husbands medical school teaching a form of holistic health that doctors can try before doing more intense treatments such as prescriptions and surgery) has suggested that until I can have 1 normal cycle, I am just asking for a repeat miscarriage. I’ll share more about that later. So here is my question I am posing to myself:
1 – Do I go ahead and try now with the meds that have been subscribed and hope it’s enough and chance another miscarriage – which would put me out even another year, not to mention the awful experience of losing another baby? or go on faith that it will be okay.
2 – Do I wait another 6 months and try and get my health in better condition and still very possibly be in the same situation I’m in right now?
3 – Do I start pursuing adoption – with all the costs, time and stress involved in that so that I can give myself more time to be physically ready for the next one? Likely we would still be another 18 months at least.
Somehow I feel a huge pressure to pick a direction and go with it, but I can’t. It occurred to me today as I was talking to a good friend (Thank you Melissa for listening to me ramble and cry…) that maybe I need to deal with more of the grief left by the other losses before I can really go forward.
(My first daughter at age 9 months – about the time I found out I was pregnant and miscarried the first time)
So the last thing I shared was my first miscarriage that totally took us by surprise. (You can read part 1 here.) But my doctor told me that after 30 days we could go ahead and try again. Neither Chris or I were emotionally ready to jump right in again, but about 3 months later we were. Even though the last pregnancy had been a surprise, it sparked something in me and I knew I wanted my kids close together. I had been told that most women miscarried at least once, so I shouldn’t worry, and there was not really a need to do anything special, but to ease my nerves a bit, that the next time I found I was pregnant I could come into my first appointment at 8 weeks rather than the regular 12 week time frame.
So it seems at this point, getting pregnant was really not my problem – right off I was expecting again. And this time the morning sickness hit full force even earlier than it had with my daughter or the miscarriage. My first appointment was normal, there was a heartbeat, the baby was developed to the right size and the morning sickness was supposed to be a sign that things were going well. Yeah!! I had passed the point of worry. We planned a good time to make the announcement to our families. One more appointment confirmed we were still good. We shared the good news with Chris’ family and my parents. We would be seeing my family in 2 weeks and would tell them then.
One afternoon I noticed I was cramping a fair amount. I called my doctor, beginning to freak out a bit. He said it may not be anything, but to come in for an ultrasound and we would double check. Chris was in school and I had no way of getting a hold of him, so I went by myself while my aunt watched my daughter.
Everything checked out as normal. I headed home with instructions to keep my feet up until I felt normal again. Before Chris even made it home that night I was hemorrhaging badly and knew where I was headed. I was afraid to drive myself. My daughter was in bed asleep. I made dozens of calls to neighbors and couldn’t get a hold of anyone. My sister who lived an hour and a half a way was the first person I could reach. She left right away and finally a friends husband called me back. He came over to stay with my daughter. Chris finally made it home and took me to the hospital and my sister arrived an hour later to stay with my baby. By the time I was examined at the hospital, my uterus was mostly empty. (Continued in part 3.)